WELCOME TO MUCKY D’S, HOME OF THE BEST HEATING LAMPS IN THE BUSINESS.

McDonald’s

images (2)

Pros: Supposedly it’s made from actual food.

Cons: According to Dick Cheney.

Bigger isn’t always necessarily better. Who sells more records: Sleater-Kinney or Katy Perry? But which one is actually better? You see my point.

Likewise, McDonald’s is the biggest fast food restaurant in the business. But is it the best? I think not.

McDonald’s is fast food and thus not offering gourmet options. That’s not the problem. It’s not exactly the healthiest fare either. But nobody goes to any fast food restaurant expecting the healthiest food. No, the problem is that McDonald’s seems to think that fast food=crap food and crap service.

Where does Mucky D’s fail?

1: Service

Seeing as McDonald’s serves to target kids who don’t know any better by offering cheap toys that will entertain them for a while only to eventually wind up in the trash, it’s not surprising that the place is often crowded with screaming kids (unlike Wendy’s which offers way better food but is often crowded with senior citizens). On one hand, nobody goes to McSuck expecting to enjoy a t-bone steak and white wine by candlelight. But if you just need a few minutes to relax while you eat, this is not the place to go.

This does not mean that I recommend going through the drive-through instead. Just here what Joe Pesci has to say (warning: Strong language):

In addition, the drive-through is often the place where garbled communication occurs. McDonald’s seems to either have small microphones that can’t pick up what people on either side ore saying. Or when the mics do work they put people on them that have not mastered any form of communication.

So I do not recommend using the drive-through because you run the risk of getting McScrewed.

Anyway, you make it through the line, past all the running and screaming kids and make it to the counter. Time to order. You want a burger with no mayo. You tell them this. Do they say “no problem”. Do they just take your order? Nope.

Heart attack time.

Not because of the grease and cholesterol. No, because the food is pre-made in advance and either kept warm under heating lamps or microwaved when people order it. That’s why the burgers often taste dry as dust. Which brings us to the second point:

2: The Food

I’m not sure what kind of beef McDonald’s uses to make its burgers. It’s definitely not grade A. More like the kinda beef that would get a D in Phys Ed.

The cheese is this kinda horrible processed one that makes Velveeta look and taste good. It’s the kinda cheese food that people buy because they don’t want to spend a couple dollars more for real cheese. And this type of cheese does not want to melt the way real cheese does. Hence you end up with a burger made of low quality beef complete with a piece of so-called cheese that’s like a you-know-what in dire need of Viagra.

Now a show of hands. How many times have you unwrapped your McDonald’s burger and it looked like someone had taken it in the back room and stomped on it a few times? Nearly all of you. Not surprised.

As for the chicken nuggets, I’m not sure what kind of chicken they use in them. It doesn’t taste like the chicken you get anywhere else. Most likely they use pieces from the areas of the chicken that are cheapest to cut off. Wendy’s chicken nuggets are way better.

But they have salads. Yeah and so does Wendy’s. Plus one could easily make their own salad at home for about the same amount.

Then there’s the fries and shakes….ahhh nevermind. The fries and shakes are the one thing they do right.I bet if Wendy’s had their fry recipe and offered shakes, they’d have em beat.

Then again, maybe not. After all, McDonald’s target audience is kids. Kids don’t really care about the quality of the food. They just want the happy meal toys and to play on the playground.; You may recall that years ago, McDonald’s tried to appeal to adults by offering an “adult hamburger”. Yeah an adult hamburger. But what was supposed to be adult about a hamburger? Was it slathered in McSex sauce?

“Come to McDonald’s for our new adult hamburger. Eat it and you’ll go down like Arnold Schwarzenegger with the nanny”

“Welcome to McDonald’s”
“Yeah I’d like that new adult hamburger”
“Lemme see some id!”

But that wasn’t it obviously and the attempt at appealing to adults failed as badly as Battlefield Earth. So it was back to targeting the toddlers.

But is McDonald’s the worst fast food of all? Well it’s not as bad as the food served in my high school’s cafeteria. I’m pretty sure that came in two barrels: one labeled “toxic waste” and the other labeled “nuclear waste” and it was always random as to what was served on any given day, And one time I ended up picking up some Chinese food at the local grocery that I’m convinced our soldiers died at the Yalu during the Korean War to prevent from getting into the United States. So, no, McDonald’s doesn’t make number one on worst eating choices. It is in the top 5. If you gotta do fast food, see Wendy or make a run for the border.

Leave a Reply