Tag Archives: sex comedy

BIKINI SPRING BREAK Delivers Plenty of T&A, But Is No Fun Whatsoever

BIKINI SPRING BREAK


(1/5)

Pros: Attractive female eye candy along with lots and lots of bare breasts


Cons: That’s literally all the film has going for it.

While primarily known for their horror and sci-fi films (Sharknado 1 and 2 and Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus among them) and so-called “mockbusters” which are patterned after major-release Hollywood films, in recent years production company The Asylum has branched out into making teen sex comedies, and why not. Considering the minimal amounts of creativity and talent (to say nothing of money) that goes into the typical Asylum film, this genre seems a good bet for them – after all, technical quality and acting ability don’t much matter in the standard sex comedy so long as a maximum amount of skin and rowdiness is put on display. Which leads to 2012’s Bikini Spring Break, as terrible a movie as could be imaginable. The film follows the world’s smallest and most moronic community college marching band (all five members of it) as they attempt to make their way cross-country to attend a national competition. Upon reaching Florida, the band’s bus breaks down, forcing the downright idiotic five women traveling in it to come up with some rather outlandish ideas of how to raise money to make sure they arrive at the competition on time…most of which revolve around taking off their shirts.

wanna see
Wanna see any of these women topless? If so, you’re in luck.

A made-for-video production apparently written and directed by a gang of horny fourteen-year-olds (actual guilty parties: writer/director Jared Cohn and co-writer Naomi L. Selfman) and tailor-made for late-night cable airings, Bikini Spring Break takes a minor story detail from the American Pie series (“…one time, at band camp…”) and turns it into a puerile mess of a film that heaps on the cliches and rowdiness but can’t for even a second be described as entertaining. OK, I’m lying – I may have chuckled twice, but by most any standard, this script is just jaw-dropping and populated by one of the worst gatherings of characters I’ve ever seen in a film that saw any kind of release. Frankly, I’m astonished that anyone would agree to star in this bomb: the five young women at the center of the picture are (literally) fleshed out as stereotypical bimbos completely oblivious to anything happening around them. Their sole purpose in the film is to periodically disrobe for a series of completely gratuitous – and fetishistically-photographed – scenes complimented by a soundtrack of lousy alternative rock.


What would a sex comedy be without a locker room scene? Probably a better movie.


Events such as a Jell-o wrestling match, bikini car wash, mechanical bull-ride, and wet T-shirt contest are photographed in slow-motion, with the camera pointed almost exclusively on the frequently bouncing breasts of any females in sight, thus providing any teenage boys in the audience with exactly what they’d want to see. It doesn’t speak well for anyone involved in this production however – Bikini Spring Break is about the most immature film one could ever hope to see, having precisely no connection with reality or – imagine this – good taste. As if the scenario itself isn’t bad enough (and let’s be clear, this film has plot holes that could swallow the galaxy), Cohn and Selfman’s script is loaded with soul-crushingly awful dialogue and unnecessary profanity. The constant bickering between the main characters, overbearing hysterics, “hip” exclamations (“FML” and “OMG” prove these writers are on top of modern culture), and supposed humor (the main running gag deals with one girl’s poorly-endowed boyfriend who’s belittled as being gay at every opportunity) quickly become tiresome, leaving a viewer with little to sustain interest.


No one can get between Zoe and “Charlie the Euphonium.”

It’s pretty sad to see Robert Carradine (best known for his role in Revenge of the Nerds) reduced to acting in this film to collect a paycheck. Sleepwalking through the role of the band director, Carradine’s line delivery is atrocious and he seems wholly uninterested in the proceedings. Sorry to say, the females in the film (Rachel Alice playing the perpetually oblivious Alice, Virginia Petrucci as the clumsy Zoe, Samantha Stewart as the “leader” of the group, Jamie Noel and Erin O’Brien as the pair of relatively minor characters whose main job it is to complain about anything and everything, and Erika Duke as an obnoxiously cheerful girl trying to “ban” spring break) are probably worse. To be honest, I’d almost have to say that some of these folks have potential as actresses if they were given proper roles, but Bikini Spring Break is hardly flattering in its portrayal of their characters. This almost seems like a film it’d be difficult to move on from in terms of developing an acting career, which is perhaps the most unfortunate thing about it.


Oh look – a wet T-shirt contest.  Unfunny to the point of being painful to watch, no one over the age of fifteen would have any interest in this film.

The one and only saving grace in this film is that it features topless nude scenes from a variety of generally attractive actresses. Every one of the main female characters gets naked at some point, and the camera lingers over their bare bods for minutes at a time. If a viewer enters this film for the sole purpose of attaining some masturbatory material, Bikini Spring Break won’t disappoint, but anyone expecting any kind of decent movie should find something better to do than waste 87 minutes on this P.o.S. It’s shocking that something this reprehensible and pervasively, mind-numbingly dumb would be produced in the first place, and while this film satisfies on a certain, purely lascivious level, it’s not fun at all.


There’s simply gotta be a better use of a potential viewer’s time out there. The seedy side of the internet, for one.

doh!


No extras on the widescreen DVD from Asylum Home Entertainment.


bobby
0/10 : It’s harmless sure, but I’m not sure I’d call this fun.


7/10 : Plenty of profanity thrown in for no reason whatsoever.


9/10 : Mesmerized by bare titties? If so, this is the movie for you.



3/10 : Even the copious nudity can’t do much to improve this pathetic excuse for a movie.


“…So this camera could change our lives forever? Do you want me to attach it to my euphonium?”

Trailer: (Warning! Not suitable for intellectuals)

“Captain Biff Likes to Keep His Runways Clear…” STEWARDESS SCHOOL

STEWARDESS SCHOOL

See the at Amazon or at IMDB

(2/5)

Pros: Has its funny moments

Cons: Not exactly a classy sort of film

Combining the airline disaster formula established in films like (and/or any of its sequels) with the misfit comedy of Police Academy (and/or any of its increasingly dumb sequels), the 1986 comedy Stewardess School has the imprint of the ‘80s written all over it – hell, since it makes a mockery of airlines and their security measures, there’s no way the film would even be made in today’s cultural environment. The film follows a ragtag group of students who find themselves at the titular establishment after their lives hit rock bottom. Most of the characters exist within the confines of strict stereotypes: there’s the overly plucky blonde who comes from a long line of airline hostesses, the bubbly former prostitute, the klutz, a nearly-blind would-be pilot and his womanizing buddy among others. Inevitably, this gang barely makes it through their courses before they’re sent for some impromptu on-the-job training when a near-bankrupt airline company needs a “crack” team of service personnel to ensure that an FAA inspection goes by without a hitch. Needless to say, this may not be the best idea considering the caliber of graduates coming out of the Weidermeyer Stewardess Academy…

not exactly geniuses
The usual band of misfit toys.

Written and directed by Ken Blancato, (unsurprisingly??) whose only film credit this was, Stewardess School operates mainly in the realm of lowbrow, sophomoric humor. Within five minutes of the film starting, we get a fart joke – and it’s not an especially good sign that in hindsight, this is one of the film’s better, more memorable moments. Later on, we’re mostly left to chuckle at a blind man’s aggressive use of his cane against anything and everything around him, watch as the former prostitute uses her skills to “calm down” a hysterical passenger, or hide our eyes when the obligatory ladies man character strikes out repeatedly in pursuit of some tail. To be truthful, Blancato’s script is amusing on a certain level – provided that a viewer is willing to check his brain in at the door. The fact that this was made during the (almost) anything goes ‘80s only adds to the entertainment value.

Despite having some legitimately funny individual moments, Stewardess School is none too good as a piece of cinema. The airplane sets seen during the film are pretty lousy, and the fact that the identification patches worn by educators at the Academy seem to be taped on their costumes says more about the nature of this production than I ever could (Wikipedia’s report of this film having a budget of $8,000,000 seems unbelievable to me – musta been a lot of toot flowing on set if that number is correct). Additionally, the skit-like approach to setting up the comic scenes becomes tiresome down the line, and I don’t think the film offers a viewer good bang for his buck. Compared to films like the vaguely similar Airplane! or even the under-appreciated Top Secret! for instance, Blancato’s film seems quite sluggish and even dull.

those crazy cadets
Those crazy cadets…always getting into trouble…

In the end, there’s nothing that can quite overcome the fact that Blancato’s script offers up little in the originality department. This film plays out exactly as one would expect, and even in terms of its humor, it’s mining material that’s been done better elsewhere. Considering that there was a whole line of sexploitation features relating to stewardesses produced from the late ‘60s onward and the fact that the whole “hot airline hostess” thing has been ingrained into the popular consciousness, I’ve got to say that Blancato’s film is pretty tame in the sex department. Sure, we do get a bit of topless nudity in the mandatory shower scene, but it’s all provided by nameless supporting actresses. The viewer entering this film in the hope of finding some quality T&A is likely to be very disappointed.

Judy
Despite some suggestive scenes and innuendo, this film is actually fairly tame in terms of its sexual content.

Though the film is no masterpiece by a long shot, the cast assembled here (many of them television veterans) is nothing if not generally likable. The film’s narrative mainly revolves around the characters of Philo and George (respectively played by Brett Cullen and Donald Most) who recently flunked out of flight school. While George attempts to pick up any loose woman in his vicinity, Philo has started up a relationship with fellow student Kelly (played by the very cute Mary Cadorette), who is extremely clumsy. As various other students, we have busty bombshell Judy Landers playing flirty former prostitute Sugar Dubois, voice actor extraordinaire Rob Paulsen as the (offensively) gay recruit, Corrine Bohrer as the punk sporting a multi-colored femullet, Sandahl Bergman as the tough girl, and Wendie Jo Sperber as the chubby one. William Bogert (the stuffy owner of the Academy) and Vicki Frederick (the ill-tempered headmaster) are well-cast as authority figures/villains, and possibly the most enjoyable of the major cast is Dennis Burkley who plays a gruff biker named “Snake.” These players do their best to make the most of a script that doesn’t seem even slightly interested in developing any of their characters, but at the very least, they seem to be having a good time.

They look like they're having fun?
They look like they’re having fun, right?

In the pre-South Park era, Stewardess School played regularly on Comedy Central, which may help account for the otherwise inexplicable admiration this film has achieved in certain circles. After all, if you’re flipping through the channels, there would be worse things one could wind up watching than this generally harmless flick. Since it (oddly) hasn’t been released in the DVD era, that sort of viewing experience may in fact be the picture’s ultimate destiny – it still seems to show up on cable once in a while. Though I’m not sure I would or could honestly recommend the film, it’s agreeable enough as a second-tier ‘80s comedy and time-waster.

yikes!


Sadly (?) unavailable on DVD, though this film seems to play on cable once in a while.


1/10 : No obvious violence, but the climax of the film deals with a terrorist on board a plane


5/10 : Occasional profanity and one use of the f-bomb


5/10 : Rather brief instances of topless nudity from incidental characters and assorted sexual references and innuendo


4/10 : Too downright dumb to be positioned among the best comedies of its era, but moderately enjoyable in its own right


“Please gimme some credit. There’s a little more to life than women. Very little.”

Sample scene (warning: some innuendo and crude humor):

“You’re Too Busy Teenybopping All Over The Place…” THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN

THE LAST AMERICAN VIRGIN

image-placeholder

(3.5/5)

Pros: Good-natured, raunchy fun, with a lot of nudity and a memorable ending

Cons: Script and acting issues; overbearing pop soundtrack

Perhaps one of the more unduly overlooked ‘80s teen comedies, 1982’s The Last American Virgin plays out in much the same manner as the same year’s classic Fast Times at Ridgemont High – this despite the fact that Virgin is a remake of a 1978 Israeli film (Eskimo Limon, a.k.a. Lemon Popsicle). As might be expected, LAV follows the exploits of a group of hornball high schoolers in Hollywood who, in between classes and menial jobs, are looking to score with any number of available females. The main character here is the awkward and sensitive Gary, who’s fallen for Karen, the new girl at school. Karen barely seems to notice Gary – she has her sights set on Gary’s more suave buddy Rick – until she’s left high and dry after Rick knocks her up. Could this be the chance that hard-luck Gary needs to win over the love of his life?

trio
From left, Gary, Rick, and David – out to get laid and loaded.

Even if writer-director Boaz Davidson (who also was at the helm for the original Israeli version) isn’t really venturing into unknown territory with his basic story, The Last American Virgin certainly offers up the sort of raunchy content one would expect from this type of film. Rick, Gary, and their friend David get themselves into all sorts of goofy predicaments while partying as much as possible and trying to get laid. An encounter between the trio of teens and a sex-crazed Spanish woman, for instance, turns ugly when the woman’s not-so-friendly sailor boyfriend decides to show up at about the worst possible moment, and the trio is forced to take extreme measures to get rid of crabs contracted from an especially trashy prostitute. Par for the course in these types of movies, there’s also an isolated batch of scenes taking place in school, including a wager to see who has the biggest “tool” in the boys’ locker room.


Karen – played by Diane Franklin.

Just when one thinks this film is all about the lowbrow content, however, things get real in its final third, when Karen winds up pregnant after being dumped by Rick. Honestly, the whole Rick-Gary-Karen situation in Last American Virgin is remarkably similar to the material relating to Mark Ratner, Mike Damone, and Stacy Hamilton in Fast Times at Ridgemont High. It’s interesting then to note that Davidson’s film actually beat Fast Times… to theaters by a few weeks and was based on a story that, in 1982, was already four years old.

raunchy
OK, so the movie’s a little raunchy, but that’s to be expected from an ’80s teen sex comedy.

That said, in my opinion, Fast Times… seems a more authentic representation of teenage life in the early 1980s. By comparison, Last American Virgin seems exaggerated and not nearly as poignant. At least part of that is due to the caliber of acting in the film: Fast Times showcased an impressive array of up-and-coming actors and actresses in the roles that would put them on the map, and although I could tolerate the performances of Steve Antin (as Rick, who increasingly seems like a total scumbag as the film progresses), Joe Rubbo (as the “fat kid” David), and the stunning Diane Franklin (as Karen), Lawrence Monoson, who plays perennial underdog Gary and easily has the most screen time in the picture, doesn’t quite seem credible – especially during some key moments. I certainly could relate to Gary’s frustrations when watching his would-be girlfriend go for the sleazy womanizer instead of the genuine “nice guy” (i.e. him), but Monoson’s idea of putting some genuine feeling into his performance involves talking quietly in a wavering voice while putting on an “abandoned puppy face” – and just doesn’t work. Thus, right when the film should be tugging at a viewer’s heartstrings, things fall apart.

expression
Better get used to that quivering lip expression from Lawrence Monoson – it’s seen quite often throughout the film.

Above and beyond the acting, Davidson’s handling of the picture has other problems, namely the fact that instead of seeming like a coherent, evolving story, his film plays like a series of mostly disjointed vignettes, few of which seem to have any serious ramifications for the characters. After the carefree opening half, things eventually do gel late in the going when the major dramatic element of the film becomes apparent, but the shift in tone is so abrupt that it’s somewhat difficult to buy into the legitimate consequences that arise. Furthermore, The Last American Virgin quite often seems like a glorified music video since the prominent soundtrack (which includes some fabulous tunes from the likes of U2, The Police, Devo, The Cars, Oingo Boingo and others) is carefully matched up to the onscreen action. Unfortunately, this only further accentuates the sense of fragmentation present in the script; sure, the music is cool to jam out to, but it winds up being distracting and ridiculously overbearing since there’s nary a moment here when one popular song or another isn’t blaring. I’ve also got to say that the repeated renditions of Journey’s “Open Arms” used to punctuate the love story between Gary and Karen become very corny, very quickly.

happy ending
Banking on a happy ending? You might wanna think again…

Considering all of the potential problems, I was genuinely surprised when I enjoyed this picture much more than I ever thought I would. Frankly, it’s refreshing every once in a while to see a genuine, decidedly R-Rated sex comedy from this (pre-AIDS) era, since these sorts of films were made in a much different manner than they would be today. The level of mischief present never quite clashes with the film’s generally good-natured vibe, and it definitely provides a window into a time and place far different from the one that viewers are faced with in their everyday life. While Fast Times at Ridgemont High is famous for the (mouth-watering) scene in which Phoebe Cates strips off her bikini top, Last American Virgin delivers a few “cha-ching!” moments of its own: there’s quite a bit of female nudity here, including a substantial amount from gorgeous leading actress Franklin. Finally, I’d be remiss if I didn’t point out the cynical ending, one which is likely to polarize viewers. I happen to like a lot: after playing like any number of other rowdy sex comedies for 85 minutes, LAV kicks a viewer in the balls in the last five – as real and shocking a conclusion as could ever be imagined in a film of this nature. Even if it deserves some amount of criticism for being told from a very male-centric point of view, considering what the typical viewer going into this film would want, The Last American Virgin delivers in a big way – even if it’s more a situational comedy than laugh-out-loud funny. I’d recommended it.

HA!


Released in several multi-movie packs and as a with 1983’s Losin It. MGM’s is a dual-format wide and full-screen disc with no extras.


1/10 : Some thematic material related to serious issues, including abortion


5/10 : Isolated instances of profanity and sexual references

YES!
8/10 : An assortment of nudity from some very nice-looking women; plentiful sexual content


7/10 : Strange that while Porky’s and Fast Times… went on to achieve legendary status, this surprisingly decent flick has been all but forgotten – it’s certainly worth rediscovering.


“Crabs – at your age! Young people – they ain’t what they used to be…”

Music dominates this trailer (and the film itself):